Monday, September 26, 2011

Hate Or Not ? Forgive Or Not ?

Assalamualaikum my beloved reader, 

Alhamdulillah it's nice to see all of you again. Hope that all of you will be fine and always protected by Allah Taala. Praise to Allah Taala for all his nikmat.It has been three weeks I'm here .. In this lovely place. In my university.  I really love this place. The environment or what we call "Bi'ah "in Arabic. 

And what I gonna do just now, I wanna be myself. The true who I am but I can't. Still I'm pretending to be nothing. Still I like to be alone. Still I love to keep what I'm thinking about. Still I'm prefering t0 be silent and remain myself to be quiet. It's not what I want after all but it's automatically happened to myself. And I feel it just now. Is this myself after all? No more smile ? No more laugh ? Someone said that I'm the funny one but how could I become very silent ? But deep in my heart, I feel more comfortable. Let it be.  I endure the pain inside it. I don't know until when I can survive but I tried to let go the pain by itself. Pain that some people leave it to me. The pain that I accepted for their happiness. May Allah help me. I never regretted. I knew Allah Taala wanna gives the best thing to me. There's a lot of hikmah. I believe that. 

Dear reader,
My university .. This is my lovely place to study. But this lovely place sometimes can become a nightmares for me.. It's not all of this university. But there are certain place where I saw that person's shadow. Someone who  makes me feel sick. Someone who betrayed me. Someone who l;ed to me. Someone  that I don't know I really hate him. or already forgive him. His shadow in front of the Kolej Kediaman Satu Usim, in the Nilai Indoor Stadium and Dewan Kuliah Pusat. This place could make me remember him. Because of what he done to me. It's not easy to forget all the bad things in our life. Right ? And so do I ...

Someone was insulting me and what I can do ? I felt very sad and feel like I wanna cry because of her words. Then, someone was slandering me and make everyone believe that I'm really that bad. Am I really that bad ? What I can do ? Both of them, keep ruining my life. After all, I don't know I can forgive both of you or not because of what you've done to me. But, I always hope and pray to Allah Taala to give me the best forbearance and I hope that I could bear this pain. I really hope that I can forgive both of you but not now. It's not that I wanna pay back or seek for the revenge to both of you but I wanna find the space, the oppurtunity to forgive both of you with my sincere heart. I hope the day will come. But I hope that I never meet both of you forever and ever. That is much better for me.

No one can treat all the pain that you leave. People may right. It's easy to forgive your enemies but never forget their names, never forget what they done to you.  Every day, I still remember both of you. Your words, your behaviour towards me. It's not easy to forget all those pain. I don't feel like I wanna hate both of you. I don't wanna make both of you become my enemies but I hope .. One day I'm able to forgive both of you. 

Ya Allah, please show me the way. I never regretted with all the things that happened to me but I just keep the sadness deep in my heart. Ya Allah, please gives me your love in my heart.  I really hope that. Please guide me to be the good person in the future. I hope that I can free myself from the bad behaviour .. especially what I feel in my heart. Get rid of me from akhlakul mazmumah Ya Allah. Still, I always hope your love Ya Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim. Forgive me and forgive them.

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